Friday Night

Tom came.  On Friday night, after K asked to see her dad, he came.  My mom was here, Thelma (one of our new therapists, she picked Thelma from Thelma and Louise.) J was here.  It was awkward, tense and stressful.

He sat in the corner of the living room, I sat in my chair, K, grandma and Thelma sitting on the couch.  K tried and tried pushing his buttons, trying to get some kind of reaction.  Telling him of the last year, how hard things have been, how much she has struggled.  He sat, nodded and smiled.  There was no reaction.

J talked, played on his dad's phone and told him about his last year.  He skirted over the hard stuff.

The tension kept getting thicker.  The kids were sent outside to play.  Grandma went first.  18 years of words bottled up for so long were finally let loose.  Lines were drawn, the gauntlet thrown down.  When the steam ran out, I started.  While you have destroyed our family twice now, you go about your business, living your life like nothing has happened.  I am left to pick up the pieces, to put our kids back together again.  I blame myself for Luke's accident, J blames himself, K blames herself.  What responsibility do you take?  Excuses, might as well be crickets.  More excuses, no responsibility.  I am not surprised.  K appears indifferent, but I know her heart is breaking.  She wants to be a daddy's girl, and I have failed her in that.  I gave her a dad who has no idea what a precious gift she truly is.  J only knows how to relate to him with sports, but J is not a sports person.  Remind Tom of that.... anger seethes, face turns red, hands yank on fingers and pants.  Nothing has changed.  Nothing will ever change.

Have you been to Luke's grave?  Have you seen his stone?  If you are going to see it before it gets dark, you should leave now.

Kids in hives, stress of the weekend finally coming out.  Not able to say what needed to be said, manifests itself in their little bodies.

I can tell my kids all day and night dad is not going to change, he will always be like that.  But they will have to learn it for themselves.  I won't keep them from a relationship, but the rules have changed.

Ugly Shoes

A Pair of Shoes

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.

Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.

Yet, I continue to wear them.


I get funny looks wearing these shoes. They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.


To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.


Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think
about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.


Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

10 Months

It has been almost 10 months since you left baby boy.  That means it has also been almost a year since you ran across the room and threw yourself in my arms.  
There are no words to say how much I miss you little man. Some days it hurts to breathe, it takes everything I have to get up and get out of bed.  To cook supper and take care of your brother and sister.  It is so unfair that life keeps going on without you.  Doesn't the world know my baby boy is gone and everything should stop and wait with baited breath until Jesus comes back and I get to see you again?

School gets out in a few weeks, you should be finishing up the second grade and getting ready for the third grade.  I can't believe you would have been in the third grade in August!  The time since you were born has gone so fast.  I can only hope it continues to keep speeding along, the sooner I get old, the sooner I get to see you.

I love you so much Lukie!

May 8, 2014

     On May 8, 2014, Jonathan, Katie, Grandma and I celebrated Luke's 8th birthday by putting new flowers in the vase and releasing 8 bright, colorful balloons at his grave.  We left 2 Mylar balloons he would have loved.  I attached cards to the balloons we released and asked people to come here and put their first name and city and state where they found the balloon.  The pictures are out of order because I uploaded them from my phone at the cemetery.

  It is my hope all 8 balloon are found and counted here.

Luke's Balloons

If you found a Balloon with this website on it, please let us know in the comments where you found it. Then take a moment to read about our LukiePie.

Thank you!

Happy Birthday Handsome

 Eight years ago on May 8, 2006, Luke Christopher Bernard Zimmerman was born screaming via emergency c-section.  The nurses who cleaned him up and checked his apgars jokingly asked if we had signed him up for Kindergarten yet.  My baby was 9lbs, 8 oz and 21 inches long.  He was a BIG boy!

 

 

 Katie and Jonathan both fell in love with their new little brother instantly.

He became Katie's baby and Jonathan's best friend.  Life with Luke was never boring,

Hiding in Cabinets

Robots out of Toy boxes

Hot wiring a Little Tikes Car

Heatwave 2012/Soccer Camp

Spaghetti his favorite meal

Last year, my baby boy turned 7.  This was the last birthday he would celebrate here on earth.  He finally received his coveted Nintendo 3DS and as a joke, eye patches for his lazy eye.  We went out to eat and came home where all three kids devoured his HotWheels birthday cake.

A few months later, he thought it was hilarious to text me from Jonathan's hand-me-down cell phone while standing in front of me.

April 29, 2006

     Eight years ago today I was miserable.  I was about to give birth to a Butterball turkey who couldn't decide which end was up.  Luke kept doing somersaults, even though the Dr. said that was impossible, he is too big!  He was wrong.  Eight years ago today, I my last ultrasound and Luke was finally head down after being transverse for three months.  I was so relieved!  I was terrified of having a c-section. 

     Eight years ago this week, I was getting Jonathan and Katie ready for the reality life was going to change, a new baby was coming home!  Katie picked out a coming home outfit for Luke, Jonathan gave up diapers because he was a big boy now!  The crib was put together again for a third time, baby clothes washed and we waited.  And waited. And waited. 

Snap, Crackle and Pop

Snap, Crackle, and Pop are the team of therapists who have walked Jonathan, Katie, and me through the last 5 months of grief. 

We first met Snap last year after Luke was diagnosed with ADHD and ODD.  She became my lifeline to accessing services and help for Luke at home and at school.  She worked several kinds of magic to make sure Luke had the therapy he so desperately needed.  She was/is a life saver!  Snap is our Care Manager.

     Pop was Luke's first therapist.  She was incredibly patient as she learned more than she ever wanted to know about Mario Bros. and Webkinz.  Luke was a computer junkie and would have spent hours watching YouTube videos of people playing Super Mario Bros.  Pop was around for about five months, with the understanding we were waiting for a male therapist to free up, then Luke would transfer to him.  I loved Pop because she is a reader, after Luke's therapy, we would talk about books. 

     In May, a male therapist finally had an opening for Luke and we met Crackle. Crackle is a no-nonsense therapist who would go round and round with Luke like no one else!  He is very articulate and could definitely hold his own against the little boy who could talk an Eskimo out of his igloo.

     The day of Luke's accident, I think I send several text messages them all telling them what was going on with my baby.  After sending several messages, I finally focused on Crackle alone since he was Luke's therapist at the time. 

Luke with Austin and the two Mario's

Thinking back and looking at those messages, I can't imagine what I put those people through.  But they handled things with grace and professionalism.  Crackle came to Kosair on Sunday afternoon and spent quite a bit of time with Luke.  He also sat with Jonathan in the waiting room, talking to him about what had happened and offering a friendly ear and shoulder.  He brought Luke a giant Mario doll that Luke never saw.  The doll was in the pictures we took of Luke in the hospital, front and center on Luke's table at his memorial service and sits on the top of the bookcase with other Luke items in my living room.               

Luke's Memorial Service with
Austin the Dog, Mario the Bear
and the Original Mario.

     After we came home, Crackle kept in touch with Jonathan.  He visited a once or twice that week, and said he would be there for Jonathan at Luke's memorial service if he was needed.  He continued to come until school started and Jonathan was able to connect with a few people at school.  Later on, when it became obvious that was not going to be enough for Jonathan or Katie, Snap and Crackle helped us secure services for both kids.  Crackle saved a space in his schedule for Jon and Pop said she would come back as Katie's therapist.

     With these two people, we have talked about "The Hard Stuff", the good things, cried and even screamed and yelled.  But they come back every week anyway!  I owe my sanity to them both, they have gone above and beyond, coming extra days when needed, staying for hours and hours making sure we were OK before leaving.

     Obviously they all have real names, but to protect their identity, {they may not want to claim us ;)} I gave them nicknames.  They used to be the Three Musketeers, but in my warped mind, they all met at the office every day before starting work and talked about their cases over a bowl of cereal. Hence, Snap, Crackle, and Pop were born.