Life with Lukie

This is the letter I wrote for Pastor Scott to read at Luke's Memorial Service.  It started off as a letter to Luke and ended up being a letter to Scott.

Luke, from the day you were finally born I think you have been holding on to this world by a thread.  Life was certainly never boring after you came along.  Between the passing out from holding your breath, to the getting stuck in anything and everything you could put all or some of your tiny body into, you kept me on my toes.  There is so much I want to say, but I can’t find the words.

Living with Luke was trying to contain a tornado.  He didn't do anything in slow motion.  He was smart, he could do brain teasers that exhausted me, he has the memory of a steel trap, the determination of Luke.  He was going to get what he wanted and he would wheel and deal and bargain until you gave up out of frustration or confusion.  He was full of life and love.  So much love that last year he was naming the ants on the sidewalk and bringing them in because they were his friends.  He wanted everyone and everything to like him.  After a week at VBS where the theme was New York, New York, the Big Apple, he was going to live there when he grew up.  He was also going to build a great big house for him and me, but Jonathan and Katie had to live in the backyard because they were too messy.

He always had a hug, usually preferring to run across the room and jump into my arms before giving me my hug, and then repeating several times.  Bath time was pretty fun, Elmo tablets and whatever toys or cats he could sneak into the tub.  Reminding me to pat his butt if I forgot. .  He loved to snuggle up next to me in the chair or in the bed and beg for a bedtime story, to have his head rubbed or both.  He always wanted to hear Jack and the Beanstalk, then tell me he was too scared to go sleep in his bed.  And I fell for it every time.  After we were in bed, I had to sing to him, but not all the words. I could sing, “I love you Lukiepie, I love you my…” and he would have to say the next words.  It was like that for every SINGLE verse.  Then he would hug my neck, say, “I love you Mama.” and snuggle down deep.

When he turned six last year, I made a big deal about how he was such a big boy now.  He said, “Mama,” in that exasperated high pitch six year old voice, “I will always be your baby bubberbutt.” 

Last year, he has his first trip to Build A Bear where he made his dog Austin.  Austin was then a mainstay in our home, replacing all the Webkinz that were carried around, operated on and given baths.  He loved that dog, making sure to put a seatbelt on him every time we were in the van and sneaking him to school in his backpack.

Luke was my baby, my light and breath, but he is Jonathan’s best friend.  Jonathan takes his role as big brother very seriously.  He protected Luke on the first days of school in kindergarten and first grade, he made sure he had breakfast at school and didn’t leave his backpack in the van.  He was there when Luke went to Chess Club the first time and practiced with him at home so he played better.  They were looking forward to both being on the stacking team at school this year.  Nobody could make Jonathan as crazy as Luke would, but in the next breath, they would be hugging snuggled together reading a book or playing a game.  To Luke, Jonathan was more important than peanut butter and bacon!  And those were pretty important to Luke.

Occasionally we would buy lottery tickets if the jackpot was big enough.  That meant we had tickets to check the next time we went to Kroger.  One day we had the Powerball number.  Only the Powerball number and won a few dollars.  That didn’t keep Luke and Jonathan from screaming, “We WON the Power Ball!!” in the middle of Kroger’s, garnering several interested looks from strangers.  I thought we might get mugged for $7.00.

Katie would babysit while I was at work.  I would get phone calls from Luke hiding in the bathroom to “Tell on” Katie.  He was very matter of fact on the phone and would call several times a shift, “Just to see when you are coming home.  And can I play on the computer? And can you bring me some food?  Katie won’t feed me.”  It was always fun to let my co-workers hear those messages.

We had several conversations about God, and Jesus and Heaven.  Luke knew he had two brothers that went to heaven before they were born and his grandpa in the ground went to heaven when Mama was a little girl.  Last summer, Luke prayed for Jesus to be his savior and prayed the sinner’s prayer.  So I know he is there with family gone before waiting for us to meet him there.  I can only pray it is sooner rather than later.

Luke loved when all of his family was around, he was always asking to go see Aunt Mary and Uncle John, to go see Grandma and the dogs.  Can they come over here?  Why do they have to work?  They don’t need money, they can live with us!

He had an answer for everything.  Except where his shoes where, why there was a peanut butter jar under the bed or milk in the closet.  He didn’t know who wrote Luke on the bathroom door or colored the white cat pink.  Heavy Sigh, “Ok mama, it was me…  But I can give him a bath!!”

Luke loved to clean, especially dust.  And if he couldn’t find the Pledge, he would use the butter flavored Pam.  On the TV.  And the wooden TV cabinet. But give him a Magic Eraser and the walls would shine.  So would the mirrors, windows, and cat.

There is so much more to Luke, his smile and laughter that lite up a room.  His strange sense of humor and dry humor.  He was too old for his age.

As Luke crossed over into the arms of Jesus, he was surrounded by the love and support of family.  They stood guard, surrounding us like an army of angels protecting us and giving us their strength.  I was able to hold Bub on my lap, snuggled in my arms while he took his last breaths and let go of the cord holding him to earth and me.  Several years ago, I was in a worship service and saw God’s angels kneeling in the aisles, wings folded, and swords in their sheaths.  Monday morning, I saw angels in GiGi, Sammy, Timmy, Uncle Sherry and Aunt Lee, Jenn, Grandma, Jonathan and Katie.  It could not have been more peaceful or beautiful.  Luke Christopher Bernard Zimmerman was born into this world on Monday May 8, 2006.  He left this world and went to heaven on Monday August 5, 2013.

Give your grandpa and papaw and brothers a hug for me and say hi to all the Spals and PALC kids for me.  I miss you baby boy.

Snap, Crackle and Pop

Snap, Crackle, and Pop are the team of therapists who have walked Jonathan, Katie, and me through the last 5 months of grief. 

We first met Snap last year after Luke was diagnosed with ADHD and ODD.  She became my lifeline to accessing services and help for Luke at home and at school.  She worked several kinds of magic to make sure Luke had the therapy he so desperately needed.  She was/is a life saver!  Snap is our Care Manager.

     Pop was Luke's first therapist.  She was incredibly patient as she learned more than she ever wanted to know about Mario Bros. and Webkinz.  Luke was a computer junkie and would have spent hours watching YouTube videos of people playing Super Mario Bros.  Pop was around for about five months, with the understanding we were waiting for a male therapist to free up, then Luke would transfer to him.  I loved Pop because she is a reader, after Luke's therapy, we would talk about books. 

     In May, a male therapist finally had an opening for Luke and we met Crackle. Crackle is a no-nonsense therapist who would go round and round with Luke like no one else!  He is very articulate and could definitely hold his own against the little boy who could talk an Eskimo out of his igloo.

     The day of Luke's accident, I think I send several text messages them all telling them what was going on with my baby.  After sending several messages, I finally focused on Crackle alone since he was Luke's therapist at the time. 

Luke with Austin and the two Mario's

Thinking back and looking at those messages, I can't imagine what I put those people through.  But they handled things with grace and professionalism.  Crackle came to Kosair on Sunday afternoon and spent quite a bit of time with Luke.  He also sat with Jonathan in the waiting room, talking to him about what had happened and offering a friendly ear and shoulder.  He brought Luke a giant Mario doll that Luke never saw.  The doll was in the pictures we took of Luke in the hospital, front and center on Luke's table at his memorial service and sits on the top of the bookcase with other Luke items in my living room.               

Luke's Memorial Service with
Austin the Dog, Mario the Bear
and the Original Mario.

     After we came home, Crackle kept in touch with Jonathan.  He visited a once or twice that week, and said he would be there for Jonathan at Luke's memorial service if he was needed.  He continued to come until school started and Jonathan was able to connect with a few people at school.  Later on, when it became obvious that was not going to be enough for Jonathan or Katie, Snap and Crackle helped us secure services for both kids.  Crackle saved a space in his schedule for Jon and Pop said she would come back as Katie's therapist.

     With these two people, we have talked about "The Hard Stuff", the good things, cried and even screamed and yelled.  But they come back every week anyway!  I owe my sanity to them both, they have gone above and beyond, coming extra days when needed, staying for hours and hours making sure we were OK before leaving.

     Obviously they all have real names, but to protect their identity, {they may not want to claim us ;)} I gave them nicknames.  They used to be the Three Musketeers, but in my warped mind, they all met at the office every day before starting work and talked about their cases over a bowl of cereal. Hence, Snap, Crackle, and Pop were born.