Memories and What If's?

Little man,  it is almost your 9th birthday.  Your 9th!!!  Where has time gone?  It feels like yesterday I was waddling pregnant with a butterball turkey, my hips hurt so bad... then you were born and life was never the same!

I came across a Timehop post today about you.  You were terrified of a common housefly, but were still naming the ants on the sidewalk and trying to bring them inside to live because, "They are my friends mama!"

I think of you every time I come home from work, Snowball comes running out to the van and lays down and rolls around trying to get a belly scratch.  You would always come running outside to get a hug and ask if I brought you food.

I wonder what you would be like if you were still here.  Would you still have your squeaky baby voice?  Would you still be tall and scrawny?  How would you have done in second and third grade?  Would you have made Mr. Mike crazy in Stacking club? 

I wonder what life is like in Heaven.  Have you talked any angels out of their swords yet?  Is there a fishing pond?  What are your brothers like?  Did they meet you in the water with Jesus or were they waiting in Heaven for you?  I can't wait to get there to see you again baby.  Will you still be seven years old when I see you again or are you aging in heaven?  I want so much to hold you again, to feel you run across the room and jump in my arms again.  To wake up and find you snuggled next to me, to kiss the bridge of your nose and play with your hair.  I miss you so much Stinky man.

We don't have counselors anymore Lukie, insurance and the Thelma decided we were "cured."  I don't think we will ever be cured.  We are all still struggling with the daily things....... things sneak up on us and we are blindsided by the emotions.  A tech's wife is having baby boy after three or four girls, that left me in a puddle.  I keep telling him Luke is a good name, but I think they already have a name picked up.  I tried Bubby!!

We haven't gone a day when someone doesn't say, "Luke would have loved that", or "Luke would have said that", or something to that effect.  You are still in our hearts and thoughts every day baby boy. 

New Normal

Sitting down to supper the other night, Katie said it felt like normal, except it wasn't.  We have struggled the last 10 months with meal time.  I have a hard time going in the kitchen where Lukie used to stand next to me begging to help or for a taste or both.  He would bring me cookbooks and show me what we would make next.  He would tell me I needed to be on Worst Cooks in America because I was such a good cook, I would surely win!

Because it has been so hard to go in the kitchen, we have had a lot of sandwiches and cereal.  But I am trying to get back in the groove of cooking, mostly because the kids try to burn the house down when I let them make mac and cheese.

Shells and Cheese minus the water

Then there was the Easy Chocolate pie that was supposed to have three Tablespoons of Cocoa Powder, not three CUPS.  That should look like chocolate soup.

Easy Chocolate Pie

The hole in our family dynamic is huge.  At least once a day someone says, "Luke would love that." or "Do you remember when Luke..."  We have talked about setting a place at the table for Luke, just to remember him, but they aren't to excited about that yet.  Maybe later. Definitely for holidays.  

Jonathan is still adjusting to not sharing his room with anyone.  We still call it the boys room and the boys bathroom.  I have and will always have three kids.  Katie will always have two brothers, and Jon will always be a big and little brother.  He is not my youngest, he is still my middle child.

We have packed up most of Luke's things, there is a box in the hallway filled with Luke clothes my cousin is going to make into a quilt when I finally send them to her.  We found all the pieces to his favorite toys and his pillow pets decorate my couch.  I sleep with his two favorite stuffed animals, Austin and Mario from Build-A-Bear.



Today we went to Kentucky Kingdom.  Jon and Katie had a blast, but I kept thinking I should be counting three heads all day, especially in the water park.  It took everything I had to let them play in the water park.  I sat my self by the life guards, ready to push them in to save my kid in a heart beat.  At one point, I couldn't find Jonathan and couldn't breath.  He was fine...  I don't want them to be fearful, I don't want them to be scared of the water...  they need to play and have fun and the water is fun when it is 89 degrees!

Yesterday someone asked me if I had two kids.  I thought for a brief second, "Do I want to tell them about Luke?  Do I want to go into that story at work?" Then I said, "Yes."  The reality is, I have five kids, two babies I lost in pregnancy, Jon, Katie, and Luke.  I have FIVE kids.  Three just happen to already be home in Heaven waiting for the rest of us.

Luke's day, the day we took him off life support is coming faster than I like.  Up until then, I can say we did this with Luke last year.  After that day, it will be over a year since I have held my baby boy in my arms, over a year since I have kissed his head and nose and heard him say he will always be my baby bubberbutt.

I am really not liking this new normal.

Snap, Crackle and Pop

Snap, Crackle, and Pop are the team of therapists who have walked Jonathan, Katie, and me through the last 5 months of grief. 

We first met Snap last year after Luke was diagnosed with ADHD and ODD.  She became my lifeline to accessing services and help for Luke at home and at school.  She worked several kinds of magic to make sure Luke had the therapy he so desperately needed.  She was/is a life saver!  Snap is our Care Manager.

     Pop was Luke's first therapist.  She was incredibly patient as she learned more than she ever wanted to know about Mario Bros. and Webkinz.  Luke was a computer junkie and would have spent hours watching YouTube videos of people playing Super Mario Bros.  Pop was around for about five months, with the understanding we were waiting for a male therapist to free up, then Luke would transfer to him.  I loved Pop because she is a reader, after Luke's therapy, we would talk about books. 

     In May, a male therapist finally had an opening for Luke and we met Crackle. Crackle is a no-nonsense therapist who would go round and round with Luke like no one else!  He is very articulate and could definitely hold his own against the little boy who could talk an Eskimo out of his igloo.

     The day of Luke's accident, I think I send several text messages them all telling them what was going on with my baby.  After sending several messages, I finally focused on Crackle alone since he was Luke's therapist at the time. 

Luke with Austin and the two Mario's

Thinking back and looking at those messages, I can't imagine what I put those people through.  But they handled things with grace and professionalism.  Crackle came to Kosair on Sunday afternoon and spent quite a bit of time with Luke.  He also sat with Jonathan in the waiting room, talking to him about what had happened and offering a friendly ear and shoulder.  He brought Luke a giant Mario doll that Luke never saw.  The doll was in the pictures we took of Luke in the hospital, front and center on Luke's table at his memorial service and sits on the top of the bookcase with other Luke items in my living room.               

Luke's Memorial Service with
Austin the Dog, Mario the Bear
and the Original Mario.

     After we came home, Crackle kept in touch with Jonathan.  He visited a once or twice that week, and said he would be there for Jonathan at Luke's memorial service if he was needed.  He continued to come until school started and Jonathan was able to connect with a few people at school.  Later on, when it became obvious that was not going to be enough for Jonathan or Katie, Snap and Crackle helped us secure services for both kids.  Crackle saved a space in his schedule for Jon and Pop said she would come back as Katie's therapist.

     With these two people, we have talked about "The Hard Stuff", the good things, cried and even screamed and yelled.  But they come back every week anyway!  I owe my sanity to them both, they have gone above and beyond, coming extra days when needed, staying for hours and hours making sure we were OK before leaving.

     Obviously they all have real names, but to protect their identity, {they may not want to claim us ;)} I gave them nicknames.  They used to be the Three Musketeers, but in my warped mind, they all met at the office every day before starting work and talked about their cases over a bowl of cereal. Hence, Snap, Crackle, and Pop were born.