New Normal

Sitting down to supper the other night, Katie said it felt like normal, except it wasn't.  We have struggled the last 10 months with meal time.  I have a hard time going in the kitchen where Lukie used to stand next to me begging to help or for a taste or both.  He would bring me cookbooks and show me what we would make next.  He would tell me I needed to be on Worst Cooks in America because I was such a good cook, I would surely win!

Because it has been so hard to go in the kitchen, we have had a lot of sandwiches and cereal.  But I am trying to get back in the groove of cooking, mostly because the kids try to burn the house down when I let them make mac and cheese.

Shells and Cheese minus the water

Then there was the Easy Chocolate pie that was supposed to have three Tablespoons of Cocoa Powder, not three CUPS.  That should look like chocolate soup.

Easy Chocolate Pie

The hole in our family dynamic is huge.  At least once a day someone says, "Luke would love that." or "Do you remember when Luke..."  We have talked about setting a place at the table for Luke, just to remember him, but they aren't to excited about that yet.  Maybe later. Definitely for holidays.  

Jonathan is still adjusting to not sharing his room with anyone.  We still call it the boys room and the boys bathroom.  I have and will always have three kids.  Katie will always have two brothers, and Jon will always be a big and little brother.  He is not my youngest, he is still my middle child.

We have packed up most of Luke's things, there is a box in the hallway filled with Luke clothes my cousin is going to make into a quilt when I finally send them to her.  We found all the pieces to his favorite toys and his pillow pets decorate my couch.  I sleep with his two favorite stuffed animals, Austin and Mario from Build-A-Bear.



Today we went to Kentucky Kingdom.  Jon and Katie had a blast, but I kept thinking I should be counting three heads all day, especially in the water park.  It took everything I had to let them play in the water park.  I sat my self by the life guards, ready to push them in to save my kid in a heart beat.  At one point, I couldn't find Jonathan and couldn't breath.  He was fine...  I don't want them to be fearful, I don't want them to be scared of the water...  they need to play and have fun and the water is fun when it is 89 degrees!

Yesterday someone asked me if I had two kids.  I thought for a brief second, "Do I want to tell them about Luke?  Do I want to go into that story at work?" Then I said, "Yes."  The reality is, I have five kids, two babies I lost in pregnancy, Jon, Katie, and Luke.  I have FIVE kids.  Three just happen to already be home in Heaven waiting for the rest of us.

Luke's day, the day we took him off life support is coming faster than I like.  Up until then, I can say we did this with Luke last year.  After that day, it will be over a year since I have held my baby boy in my arms, over a year since I have kissed his head and nose and heard him say he will always be my baby bubberbutt.

I am really not liking this new normal.