Trick or Treat

Today J woke up sick, and I was happy.  A sick kid meant I didn't have to deal with Halloween.  But by the afternoon, he was better and thinking about his costume.  He finally decided to be a Zombie Soccer Goalie with an Easter bag from Kroger to use to carry his loot.  I did a pretty good job on his make up if I do say so myself!

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But then we started trick or treating.  It was a cold, windy, and overcast night and there weren't many kids out.  K is staying with Grandma for the weekend, so J just had me.  It hit me, watching him walk up and down driveways that Luke should be walking with him, they should be giggling and making monster noises as they beg strangers for candy.

It wasn't long after that J asked if I wanted his Reese Cups.  I said, “No thank you.”  He asked a few more times and finally asked why.  I explained that was Luke’s favorite candy, and I couldn't eat them because of that.  I asked if he wanted me to take them to work for the techs.  He thought for a few minutes and asked if we could take them to Luke’s grave, tomorrow because it would be too creepy to go on Halloween night.  “Of course.” I told him, we will go tomorrow afternoon.  As I was going through his candy after we came home, I decided Reese Cups were on clearance…… he had about 20 full size Reece Cup singles.

I hate seeing J do things alone he should be doing with his little brother.  This new normal really sucks.

PTSD

I haven't really talked about how J and K are doing since Luke’s accident.  I try to respect their privacy, especially since I am always telling them once you put it on the internet, it is out there Forever.  But I feel like I should talk about J for this post.  He was diagnosed with PTSD a little over a year ago.  He saw Luke drown in front of him, he tried to save his baby brother and failed.  He saw them sticking Luke with needles and putting tubes all over his little body. He saw them shocking him, he saw the CPR and the doctor’s and nurse’s faces while they worked.  He stood next to me while Luke took his final breathes.  That is a lot for an adult, I can’t imagine what it was like for a 9 year old boy.  From the time Luke was born, he was J’s best friend.  There was NEVER any jealousy on J’s part.  He took his role as big brother seriously.  He was Luke’s best friend, protector, cheerleader and co-conspirator.

After Luke died, I immediately put all three of us in therapy.  Due to insurance constraints, we have had a few therapists…. The most recent is Thelma.  She specializes in childhood trauma and is working on her Doctorate degree in Psychology.  She is the most patient, caring person I have ever met.  She has been good for J and me. 

That said, J and Thelma are doing hard work, talking about the day Luke drowned.  They have been working on that day for the last 2 months.  J finally had a breakthrough Friday and was able to name a feeling, an emotion about that day.  He has struggled with that for the last 15 months.  We are both SO proud of him!  On the dark side though….. This has been very, very hard on him.  He is not handling things well.  My once sweet, huggy, wouldn't hurt a fly child is struggling with anger towards himself, his dad, his sister and me about that day.

I have told him so many times it wasn't his fault, it should be ingrained in his head.  I have told him the same amount of times that his dad did not mean for Luke to get hurt and die, that he made a very bad decision.  J is mad at his sister for not going that weekend, not being there to save Luke.  He is mad at me for making them go with their dad that weekend.  He hasn't said he was mad at Luke, but I wouldn't be surprised if he was, that is a normal part of grief.  Luke left him here and is in Heaven with grandpa and papaw.  Crap, I am kinda jealous about that!

This weekend has been horrible.  There are so many triggers for his PTSD, it is like living in a minefield.  It has been one outburst after another.  He has spent more time in his room calming down than he has in the 3 years we have lived here.

I would appreciate any and all prayers for my kids…..  we have a long road ahead of us.

My Point of View

My Point of View

Written by Jonathan T. Zimmerman

I am Luke’s brother.  I was there when Luke drowned in the Wabash River.  I know exactly what happened and not what my dad thinks and he was there too.  My mom’s blog is all about Luke and how I told her how it happened.  I kinda forgot a few parts of it.  Like about the part where I was in 6 feet of water and if I wasn't in water, I would have had a concussion because I slipped on a rock and I floated to the bottom.  Which is where I found Luke.  So I tried to pick Luke up on my back, and if you have ever tried to pick up a kid in water, it is impossible, so I fell in again. And then, I finally got the strength to get out of the water and yell and cuss a little under my breath at my dad. (Sorry about that Mama.)  Anyways, I finally got out, ran up to my dad, he was busy playing games on his phone, I had to get his attention by getting out of the water, getting up as far as I could on the ramp, and yell at him.  It took about 30 seconds for him to realize what was going on.  And I yelled Thomas.  He finally went and got Luke out of the water. 

I told dad to give me his phone and I called 911.  They came, and then I called my mom.  When the fire trucks got there, it was weird.  I had never seen that many cars in the same place at the same time.  I could hear them pumping on Luke’s chest.  I once heard them yell he is not breathing, and a paramedic ran at him and had these little things and shocked him.  Then they put him in a fire truck and ran.  There wasn't enough ambulances because a trailer fell into the river. 

A policeman took me to the hospital, this was the third time I got to ride in a police car and I wasn't arrested!  At the hospital, I saw a whole bunch of tubes sticking out of Luke’s body. And I got free food.  I saw a whole lot of doctors.  They were shocking Luke.  They were saying clear.  I was outside the room with my dad.  I felt horrible.  Because it all happened so fast.  I didn't feel scared, just horrible.