I had not slept since I woke up for work Saturday
morning. I wasn't tired until Scott and Kathy came Sunday night. They finally
got to the hospital about 8 PM after getting lost. They came from Vincennes to bring Lukie a
prayer blanket. Scott is the Pastor who
spoke at the memorial service.
Anyway…… Tom was still at the hospital and getting on my last nerve. He was asserting his right to be in the room and stay with Luke overnight. I was quietly reminding him Luke was at the hospital because of him. Scott is a wonderful man and very discerning, or I was obvious….. But he took Tom for a long walk while Kathy and I prayed and sang over Luke and talked. Finally, Scott and Tom came back and he told Kathy Tom was going to walk out with them and to call them if I needed them. Tom would be back the next day. I finally laid down to sleep on the cot in the room about 11 PM and went right to sleep.
I woke up about 4 am and the nurses had moved large tanks of nitrogen in the room because Luke’s O2 stats were dropping very low again. I had asked them Sunday not to do CPR or shock him again. Do everything medicine wise they could to keep him going, but do not abuse his little body any more. It was obvious Luke’s time on earth was coming to an end and I hadn't showered since Friday night and I stunk. I asked Dr. Henderson several times if I had enough time to take a shower. I had to take a shower. She could only say she didn't know. Finally, I gathered my things and headed to the waiting room and the shower. I woke my mom up and told her to go sit with Luke, the time was getting close and I was going to take a shower. I had to wait for a man to get finished, then I took the fasted shower in my life. I managed to wash myself and my hair and get dressed through the tears. I went back to the room with dripping hair and my bag.
Mom said she called John and Mary and Tom. Grandma and Sherry were still in the waiting room. I am not sure who called anyone else. By 8 am, everyone who had been there Sunday was back. I told them no bells or alarms. I didn't want to hear them. They were turned off. I was going to hold my baby boy…… he came into the world from me, he would leave in my arms. I was told several times he might not survive moving him from the bed, but I had to hold my baby boy again. They brought in a love seat and I got settled. Dr. Henderson tenderly scooped him off his bed and laid him in my arms like a newborn baby. The first think I noticed was how heavy he was and how long. Whenever he would sit on my lap before, he would curl up in a ball and sit half on the arm of the chair and half on my lap.
His legs didn't bend like they did before and his head flopped like a newborn baby. The tubes with the meds were removed and we waited. He started agonal breathing even though he was still on the respirator. I asked them to unplug the breathing tube. Luke breathed on his own for about 10 more minutes before taking one last deep breath. During this time, the hospital was being renovated and there were noises that sounded like a jack hammer. For some reason or another, my mom bent over as the jack hammer went off and it sounded like a giant fart rippled through the room. Everyone started laughing and it felt so appropriate. I can still hear Luke saying, “Grandma!!” in his baby voice. He would have cracked up laughing. It happened a few times during all of this. Katie kept watching the heart monitor and Jonathan watched Lukie. He took his last breath at 8:38 and was pronounced dead at 8:45. I held Luke and Jonathan, telling Jon he would ALWAYS be a big brother that would never change. The nurse we had that day was Lexi. She was amazing. She was kind, caring and so irreverent and hilarious. She kept me from falling apart.
Anyway…… Tom was still at the hospital and getting on my last nerve. He was asserting his right to be in the room and stay with Luke overnight. I was quietly reminding him Luke was at the hospital because of him. Scott is a wonderful man and very discerning, or I was obvious….. But he took Tom for a long walk while Kathy and I prayed and sang over Luke and talked. Finally, Scott and Tom came back and he told Kathy Tom was going to walk out with them and to call them if I needed them. Tom would be back the next day. I finally laid down to sleep on the cot in the room about 11 PM and went right to sleep.
I woke up about 4 am and the nurses had moved large tanks of nitrogen in the room because Luke’s O2 stats were dropping very low again. I had asked them Sunday not to do CPR or shock him again. Do everything medicine wise they could to keep him going, but do not abuse his little body any more. It was obvious Luke’s time on earth was coming to an end and I hadn't showered since Friday night and I stunk. I asked Dr. Henderson several times if I had enough time to take a shower. I had to take a shower. She could only say she didn't know. Finally, I gathered my things and headed to the waiting room and the shower. I woke my mom up and told her to go sit with Luke, the time was getting close and I was going to take a shower. I had to wait for a man to get finished, then I took the fasted shower in my life. I managed to wash myself and my hair and get dressed through the tears. I went back to the room with dripping hair and my bag.
Mom said she called John and Mary and Tom. Grandma and Sherry were still in the waiting room. I am not sure who called anyone else. By 8 am, everyone who had been there Sunday was back. I told them no bells or alarms. I didn't want to hear them. They were turned off. I was going to hold my baby boy…… he came into the world from me, he would leave in my arms. I was told several times he might not survive moving him from the bed, but I had to hold my baby boy again. They brought in a love seat and I got settled. Dr. Henderson tenderly scooped him off his bed and laid him in my arms like a newborn baby. The first think I noticed was how heavy he was and how long. Whenever he would sit on my lap before, he would curl up in a ball and sit half on the arm of the chair and half on my lap.
His legs didn't bend like they did before and his head flopped like a newborn baby. The tubes with the meds were removed and we waited. He started agonal breathing even though he was still on the respirator. I asked them to unplug the breathing tube. Luke breathed on his own for about 10 more minutes before taking one last deep breath. During this time, the hospital was being renovated and there were noises that sounded like a jack hammer. For some reason or another, my mom bent over as the jack hammer went off and it sounded like a giant fart rippled through the room. Everyone started laughing and it felt so appropriate. I can still hear Luke saying, “Grandma!!” in his baby voice. He would have cracked up laughing. It happened a few times during all of this. Katie kept watching the heart monitor and Jonathan watched Lukie. He took his last breath at 8:38 and was pronounced dead at 8:45. I held Luke and Jonathan, telling Jon he would ALWAYS be a big brother that would never change. The nurse we had that day was Lexi. She was amazing. She was kind, caring and so irreverent and hilarious. She kept me from falling apart.
We sat in that room until 3:00.
People came in and make hand prints, we made casts of Luke’s hand with
Jon and with me and one of just Luke. We
took a few pictures. Lexi let Tom and me
help with Luke’s last bath, which was really extra big diaper wipes and a
shower cap with dry shampoo in it. We weren't allowed to wash him with soap and water, or remove any tubing because
of the investigation and autopsy. A
deputy coroner came in and explained things to us, promising that the medical
examiner would put things back where they belonged. I told him to lie to me if
need be….. So I am going with the fact they did. That was one day when being able to read
people so well really sucked.
That wasn't nearly as hard to write as writing about Saturday
night, Sunday morning. It was good to
think about things, I've had second thoughts about taking him off the
respirator and unplugging the meds every day, but he was dying while I was
sleeping. They were doing everything
they could short of CPR to prolong his life, but his body was shutting
down. His brain was swelling and dying. He wasn't going to make it. I might have sped the process up a few hours,
but my baby was going to leave this earth in MY arms, not lying in a hospital
bed.
A year ago today he fell out of the van and got his concussion.
After he started feeling better, he learned he could set the alarms off by laying on his stomach. They released us shortly after that.
A year ago
during Thunder Over Louisville, he and Jon had front row seats in the living room for the
fireworks. He was so proud to tell me they had the best seats, front row!
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