Lukiepie, it was nine years ago today I made you and Jonathan go with your dad. Nine years ago, you hugged my neck for the last time. I can still see you and Jonny standing by the front door, holding the wraps I made for you to eat on the road.
I feel like I should "Be Over" losing you by now, it shouldn't hurt this much, but it does baby. I would do anything to go back in time and keep you here that weekend. To call into work and stay home with you all. I have been physically sick since Friday, my stomach turning, rolling, and revolting. My body hurting with nothing helping. I don't know why I feel like I should be over it, you weren't a goldfish or a lost item, you are my baby boy. My last born. The one who broke my sciatic nerve :) You kept me up at night, long after the baby phase, worrying about you, scared for your future. Praying for you. Now I cry for you, long for you daily. Several times a day. I worry about your brother and sister, I wonder how to care for them when I can barely care for myself. I know you are in a better place, you are safe from this world and all its craziness, and I am weirdly grateful for that knowledge, but I would still give anything to hold you one more time and hear you say, "Bye, I love you."
